Sunday, 30 September 2007

Monthly Roundup

Here's a quick insight into what's being going on behind the scenes of Templar Truths this month, in handy bullet point form.
  • Most of our readers are in Year 11 - 47 of them voted. There's one reader in Years 7-9, and one in Year 13. We have two Year 10 readers and three Year 12 readers. Thanks to all who voted.
  • Blogger can't add up to 100, its percentages have been odd by a bit quite often. Don't worry, we're going to shoot those responsible.
  • We've had one writer-wannabe email us. But he couldn't spell for his life.
  • Reader "Jess" sent us this incomprehensible nonsense:
    "it is very difficult to tell which homework has been set, due to this new layout i can now see fountain pen ink on my hand from three days ago which has become my new planner page"
  • We want to know who the idiot "anonymous" commenter is. He's posted here and here.
Finally, if you'd like to send us a (true) story about Temple Moor, we'll feature it in the next monthly roundup at the end of October, or possibly sooner if it's really good. Also email if you'd like to be mentioned on the blog as a fan. Like a certain Josh Pye person, who wanted his name broadcast on the Internet on a blog about the school he attends. Which was a really clever idea, because the Internet isn't full of 'bad people' at all, is it?
(The person who wanted the mention has decided it's perhaps not the best idea, so we've crossed out his name to protect his privacy.)

Friday, 28 September 2007

School's "Special" Attendance

With the school taking every opportunity to remind you that attendance is important, term-time holidays are a bad idea and the new traffic light system RAG analysis, you'd be forgiven for thinking that the school really cares about your grades. But don't be silly. It's really because the school's attendance levels are bad, and they're under "special" observation.

So clearly, Temple Moor's attendance rate is dipping - and it's all your fault! That is, essentially, what the school would have you believe. And they might be right - but does this mean you'll turn up for school? Hardly, if anything, you're more likely to stay away from school to get them into trouble.

However, at Templar Truths we have this to say: turn up for school. But only because it's full of hilarious amounts of failure.

Thursday, 27 September 2007

Website Broken

While the school's website may be infamous for its non-existent updating, it seems that the website has been struck by a new problem: it's broken. While the homepage looks fine, delve deeper and you'll see that it's falling apart at the seams.

The Tempo page, above, has no Tempos available! All those carefully PDF'd Tempos of old are now lost. Oh dear, oh dear. Someone's really made a mistake! Will they be fired? Maybe if anyone actually notices the error here, but the website is looked at so infrequently, God knows when that will be.

And here's another mistake! The "Post 16" page displays:
error '80020009'
/Sixth.asp, line 64
To the Templar Truths staff, it looks like the page about the sixth form (sixth.asp) has an error in its coding, on line 64. This error is so serious, the page won't be displayed. Someone had better go fix it!

Visit the Temple Moor site yourself! If you spot a problem, email

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

Why Can't Teachers Take The Register?

It's a staple of education that every school uses to great effect: the register. This simple tool allows teachers to know who's there in the lesson and who's not. They can then attempt to find out why someone wasn't there. But Temple Moor seem to have bungled this monumentally simple task.

The classic register - pencil marks on a piece of paper - was scrapped recently, in favour of a computerised system. In theory, it's a fantastic system: the teacher marks you down as present and if you're not there, there's a variety of options to choose to explain why you're away. This information is then sent off and can be checked by people or other software. But when this fails, it really fails. Teachers can struggle with how the system works, or accidentally click twice and mark someone as absent when they're not, causing the school to shout "truant child!" when it should be "silly teacher!"

And then teachers often forget to take the register, anyway. And how will this be of benefit to anyone? How will we know if someone's hidden behind the huts smoking if you don't know if they have opportunity? Amazingly, it happens with alarming regularity. And there's no decent excuse.

Finally, in PE today, a teacher said a pupil's name on the register. There was no response. "Is he not here?" asked the teacher, to be hit by a unanimous "no". The teacher didn't hear, so it was repeated. At last, he hears and gets a bit irate. "Will give me a clue, lads!" he bellows. There's proof that the teacher doesn't have a clue. But anyway, the clue to absence is that you didn't get the response "here, sir"! It doesn't take a genius to realise if no one says "here", they're probably not there.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Latest Newsletter

The latest newsletter is out, and it doesn't even mention the Great Kitchen Disaster. But then, we were expecting this sort of cover-up. Anyway, here's the Templar Truths take on the newsletter; with headlines in bold, TMHS text in italics and our take on things in normal text.

Welcome Back "an exciting year", "results were once again excellent", "attendance rate is currently below the national average", "steel work has been erected over the summer", "action packed term ahead" The new year will be disrupted by building a lot, but well done to everyone who bothered turning up for their exams. This year will be more mundane than ever before, because 2007-08 will lack gas attacks.

School Calendar "...lots of dates..." Not enough days off, though Easter lasts 19 March till 7 April, which is ages.

Development Days "school will be closed", "...four dates..." Staff are too incompetent, so they'll be replaced by monkeys slowly over the course of the year - a quarter on each of these dates.

Best Ever Results for Temple Moor "best ever results", "5 A*-C", "average points score is up" Congratulations to everyone who worked hard, and aren't exams getting easier? Just kidding! Now the pressure's on everyone else to do well.

Open Evening "already looking forward to next year", "early closure" We at Templar Truths say everyone should go to put off parents.

Supporting Success "year 10 parents are invited", "opportunity to fully understand the expectations", "vital information" If your kid is in Year 10, come along and Temple Moor's full plan of academic torture will be described in detail.

Golden Bunsen "quality of all teams' solutions...extremely high", "well done", "hopefully we can win back the trophies" In a shock twist of events, Golden Bunsen saw Temple Moor fail.

Free Books for Year 7s "all Year 7 students will...receive a free reading book", "students have been choosing a book from a list of 12", "encourage reading" When I was in Year 7, do you know what I got? A New Testament (and psalms) from Gideons. They get a proper book, the gits.

Parental Survey Results " was very good", "RE, Drama and Guidance...identified as areas for improvement" Parents are being conned into thinking school is good.

Year 8 French Trip "an action packed week", "enjoyed superb sights", "a Hawaiian themed disco" 41 youngsters enjoyed being in a foreign country, even though it was with school. And not one person died! Result!

Summer Sports Camp 2007 "despite poor weather", "growing in popularity", "all children...excelled themselves" Some kids decided it'd be fun to do extra PE in the rain and loved it. They didn't learn anything new, but they loved it.

Positive Discipline "has played a central role", "providing...high standards and success", "a few amendments", "PD shop", "negative comments have been sub-divided", "positively serve every child" The positive discipline system just won't go away. They've made a few changes this year which suck even more than the bad ideas before. Expect a full rant-fuelled post on the PD system soon, courtesy of me.

Lego League "taking up the challenge", "compete against other high schools", "we are convinced that we can achieve a high level of success" In a fury of self-delusion, Temple Moor thinks it can win something. As if.

Nell Bank "Year 12 students will be spending one day at Nell Bank", "outdoor activity", "emphasis on fun" Because year 12 students don't have to do PE, Temple Moor is making them do sporty things at the stupidly named Nell Bank.

Post 16 Education Evening "will take place on...November 7th", "new prospectus" The school's attempt to make sure you stay on for Sixth Form is happening in November. Be there!

National Book Week "first week of October", "the chance to write...short book review", "reviews will be entered into a school competition", "staff and to meet...Nick Hornby", "Nick will be talking about his new novel for teenagers called Slam" The school's latest attempt to get kids reading, and they're promoting Nick Hornby's new book with the title Slam, a word supposed to appeal to its demographic.

The Learning Support Centre "currently studying students' attainment levels and conducting tests", "those...experiencing difficulties...may be placed on Success Maker" If kids are getting a bit thick, TMHS will put them in the euphemistically named "Success Maker" where they will be lined up and shot take part in a computerised learning system.

That's all from the Autumn Term newsletter. As usual, it had several mistakes in it, but nothing too major. Apart from this quote:
95% of parents of Year 7 students felt that the school had lived up to expectations, and 17% said that the school had exceeded their expectations

Does that mean 112% participated in the survey? More likely is that's it's 17% of all the parents, but it's not made especially clear...

Monday, 24 September 2007

RAG - It's Traffic Lights, TMHS Style

Traffic light systems seem to be assaulting Temple Moor and not letting go. They're used for many things now (soon, reports home will be coloured cards, we reckon) but they're not traffic lights now. In assembly for Year 11s, a teacher called the traffic light system for attendance "RAG".

At first, his audience thought he was going mad, but no. RAG stands for "Red, Amber, Green". Instead of the simple-to-understand concept of traffic lights, the school's given it a wholly unnecessary acronym that will need explaining.

And why have they done this? It's blatantly obvious they've stolen the idea from traffic lights, they don't need to badly conceal it. Perhaps they realised traffic lights were over-used in Temple Moor and tried to still use them, but change the name. It's not even necessary. Anyone with half a brain can figure out that attendance above 95% is good. Or is the school's system of infinite monkeys on typewriters unable to decode percentages and only works in colours?

Saturday, 22 September 2007

Curse #3: New Headteacher

Is this Mr Fleetwood's fault?

The principal headmaster that replaced Mr Sherriff - is he a curse on the school? Mr Fleetwood arrived to fill the spot of headteacher, and he's done an alright job. Really. Apart from the unfortunate fact that he seems to be a jinx upon Temple Moor.

I can tell you're not convinced. So let's look at what's happened since Mr Fleetwood's inception as leader of the school - first posted by stryke in this post.
  1. A fire, which destroyed a tree and a conservatory (see video, above)
  2. A chlorine gas leak, which threatened many lives
  3. A pupil's suicide (RIP)
  4. Ambulances have arrived five times
  5. Smoking has increased
  6. Younger pupils openly exchanging drugs
  7. BSF project fallen behind schedule by months
Now, we're not blaming him for these things, we're just saying they've all happened while he's been in charge. Perhaps he's a cursed being, perhaps it's karma getting its own back on him for something or maybe it's all a coincidence. Who knows...?

Friday, 21 September 2007

Who needs Nazi containment cells? We have Maths rooms.

The title should summarise this fairly well. Basically, this refers to several of our Maths rooms, including my own. As if the small windows, that are placed to high too comfortably see out of without being stood, didn't create enough of a prison-like atmosphere, the windows in the doors of Maths rooms are now being covered over with card or paper - completely cutting us off from the outside world. Every lesson in that room feels like I'm in a jail cell - and with a plateful of Algebra, fractions, and theorems sat before you, it doesn't get much more hellish.

But not only does it make you feel cut off, it also has very impractical implications. Our Mathematics teacher has claimed in the past not to just walk in without being asked, and has yelled at us many a time for it. But on many other occasions, he has asked us why we were waiting outside, and yelled at us for this too. So which does he want? I don't think even the Führer-esque teacher knows.

With the window now covered off, we cannot see if he or anyone else is in the room, and therefore are never sure which action to take. When we questionned why there was paper over the window - he yelled. Surprise Surprise.

And, if you need more reasons, how about that it's a severe fire and emergency hazard? Ah, Temple Moor stupidity never ceases to amaze.

Again With The Traffic Lights

The brains behind Temple Moor are now going to look at children's attendance records with a system based on traffic lights. Where did they get the idea? Possibly from the other implementations of traffic lights around the school. Currently, you can use traffic lights to:
  • indicate whether you understand what's being going on in the lesson
  • see how near your target grade you are
  • take part in quizzes ("hold up green for A, yellow for B...")
  • cross the road
And the idea of red, amber and green is being carried over into attendance.

Why? Are parents and their children so dim that they can't understand percentages, so must have "bad" numbers thrown at them in colours? And where does this leave the colour blind? You'll have to actually say "that's red" or whatever.

The idea of traffic lights seems to be so popular with Temple Moor that, no doubt, in years to come, Temple Moor will be using traffic light systems for positive discipline, the healthiness of school meals, your uniform and probably even your health (because regular attendance to the HYPS clinic will be compulsory).

The Great Kitchen Disaster of '07

Ah yes, yet another case of absolutely shameful goings on behind the scenes at the school. Yet this tale of woeful mishap wasn't based in the school offices. Today, it all occured within the school kitchen - which has fairly recently been totally remodelled.

The main cause of the disaster is unknown - but it is more than likely to involve a foolish lunchlady (woops, sorry, now known as a "lunchtime supervisory assistant") or severely botched ceiling work. The following is known - the kitchen was flooded, meaning no food could be provided - it was described, in the headteacher's own words, as "Contaminated water on the floors" - which, a specialist Foolish-to-English translator claims, means "Woops, some moron spilt a sewage pipe all over our brand new kitchen". Whether this is true remains to be seen, but all I know is that the school dealt with this disaster (which was likely caused by them solely) in a rather foolish manner.

By employing the cheapest and most incompetant drainage company to fix the problem, the school thought all their problems would be solved. But seriously - I've never seen a company drain a flooded dirty kitchen using a hosepipe before. But then, when the company is called Easaway (oh, how I cried upon reading that), and their slogan is 'we drain things', what can one come to expect?

The headteacher, of course, looked as pathetic as ever. Wearing a coat longer than himself, and sporting the classic 'I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing' look, he looked rather nervous as I, and another blogger from Templar Truths, questionned him on what had actually happened. But I suppose it's only the latest in a long line of disasters for the man who leads our school.

Below are a few other facts and events that have conspired since he joined us in January.

1. A huge fire, which also destroyed a tree and a neighbouring house's conservatory.
2. A Chlorine Spill that endangered thousands of lifes (caused by idiotic workers)
3. The suicide of a younger pupil at the school.
4. Ambulances were called into school no less than FIVE TIMES between him taking over as headteacher and the end of the school year in early July. (No ambulances were called in the earlier part of the school year, whilst Mr Sheriff was in charge)
5. Smoking has increased amongst students.
6. Younger pupils have been seen openly exchanging what appeared to be drugs just outside school premises. (Teachers, stood just feet away, said nothing.)
7. The school builing project has fallen vastly behind.

And those listed are just the more notable occurances.

Added to this, nicknamed the Great Kitchen Disaster of '07, one has to wonder - how has he kept his job?

The school dealt with this latest disaster ineptly, as always, but maybe we wouldn't have such bad luck without our current headteacher? If one believes in such things, could he perhaps be a jinx?

More information on the cause of the GKD as we get it.

Thursday, 20 September 2007

Tackling "Night Before It's Due" Attitude

Just about everyone leaves homework until the night before it's due in. This means you do as little work as possible until absolute necessary - and sometimes, not even then. However, a certain teacher was shocked by this 'revelation' and has come up with a brilliant scheme.

The class will be given homework on Monday for Tuesday, forcing everyone to do the homework...the night before it's due. And if that won't curb this attitude to homework, what will? It's this sort of thinking that puts Temple Moor at the top of league tables.

Wednesday, 19 September 2007


This article, while going into cyberspace a bit late, is nevertheless, absolutely hilarious.

First let me give you some background information on this teacher:
  • He speaks like a farmer
  • He pronounces the word "Football" as "Footbawl"
  • He doesn't know how to play rugby
  • He is terminally stupid
  • He has failed in life

The event in question happened on Wednesday last week, during a PE lesson with said PE teacher.

We were all changing in the sports hall changing room (funny place to change I know) and in comes this PE teacher. He then precedes to try to take the class register (a tedious if necessary event), but the results of this just happened to be too funny for words.

He spends about 10 minutes attempting to quiet us down (all the while being ridiculed by certain Templars for his infamous catchphrase of "Footbawl"), then he manages to get a moment of silence, so he precedes to start the register. No sooner has he started this than everyone starts laughing at him again.

In an attempt to regain control of us all (there was about 30-40 people in there) he tries reasoning. He says "Now I'm not going to try and start anything with you because most of you are twice my size." To which some legend cries out "DOWNSTAIRS!!". Manic laughter ensues.

After another 10 minutes of this (by this time we only had 25 minutes of the lesson left) he gets desperate. He starts to plead with us by saying "I get my recreation out of school, so I'm not bothered. We can sit here all day. I get my recreation out of school." to which another couple of legends start miming certain "actions" every time he said "I get my recreation outside school" (need i say more). Once again, hilarity ensued.

We finally managed to get out on to the "Footbawl" pitch with 15 minutes of the lesson left.

Mission Accomplished

PE teachers

Today the PE classes had their first experience of playing rugby in their PE session. However the hype they had seemed to prove too much with a certain member of staff. Halfway through the students match the teacher admitted of not knowing about the rules, this was fairly obvious as he was almost tackled on numerous occasions, and had to resort to asking one of the students about the scoring system. This proved to be very stressful to the students as the match was stopped several times just to see which side had the possession of the ball.

First Fire Drill

So it's still near the start of the year and that means we need a fire drill for those year sevens. But this clearly means everyone has to get involved, and so we did.

About halfway through period two, we heard the unmistakable (and thoroughly annoying) fire alarm noise. My teacher - a substitute who's getting to grips with the school system, so that was funny - had his immediate, responsive command: "hang on". Hang on‽ What is he talking about? Shall we just wait here and see if the floor starts burning, then leave?

Eventually, we were all assembled outside the school to be registered. Which was fun, what with it being cold and ultimately tedious. Fleetwood made some speech which, as is usual in these situations, no one could hear. Soon enough, we were heading back in - but not before "a certain teacher" fell over, completely humiliating himself. Again.

On the walk back to class (all remaining five minutes), one teacher - a female geography teacher, if you must know - went around the fence next to the path. I asked, out loud, "why is she allowed to do it?". Another teacher, in front of me, turned around and said "exactly". Is there some tension between the teachers? Another Templar exclusive!


Forgive me for dwelling on a certain topic, but some topics are so important that I have no other choice. Relating back to my earlier article,, I have again been screwed over by the school office workers and their "system". (It's a great system, honestly...)

It's been only a day since my last encounter with this satan spawn of a school computer system, and yet it feels the need to draw me in again. (No, i'm not talking about a book..) Basically, for reasons I won't disclose as it may reveal my identity too easily, the school office had to ring home. But no, things can never run smoothly in Temple Moor. Instead, they managed to freeze the system. Rather than wait and let it recover and continue, the computer operater thought a better idea would be to keep clicking, typing, and bashing buttons. No, that won't fix anything. All you did was utterly destroy the computer.

So, by the time the problem was sorted (half an hour after I first went to the office), another surprise awaited me. I was now late for my last lesson. Bloody marvellous. So two thumbs up to the geniuses who work behind the scenes at Temple Moor. You sure know how to fail at life.

Happy Speak like a Pirate Day

I just threw this up because of what day this is.

Cure #2: Epic Fail Guy

This second curse at the school surrounds on of the teachers. Due to our Templar Rules, we cannot of course give the identity of this teacher, so for the sake of a persona, we shall just call him "Epic Fail Guy".

Epic Fail Guy himself is not a curse, jinx or other omen, but is in fact surrounded with, what we Templars like to call, the "Epic Fail" curse. Perhaps nearly every lesson this teacher, well teaches (duh!), contains several blunders or "Epic fails". Which is of course where the unoriginal identity comes from.

Trying to explain the cause of this curse is futile, but here's some of the stuff that happens to Epic Fail Guy.

  1. Lesson requires Internet access and for whatever reason, the Internet wont work.
  2. In his lessons, he is required to do more than paper and pen work, however due to his curse, these always nearly end in failure.

One Templar has even gone about noting down as many fails as he can in the school year. And all these fails that will occur in this time is why Epic Fail Guy is the second curse in the series.

Oh yes, and we think Epic Movie also Epic Fails.

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

Post It Note Use #3.141592654.......

Leading the Mini-Revolt aganist Americanisation

As mentioned in a previous post by Thor, we at Templar Truths are simply appalled at the blatant disregard for good ol' British customs such as terms like Headteacher (or Headmaster)

And so, I put to you, Templars, that we should not stand for this! I urge you all to rise up against this American menace! i implore you all! (sounding a bit like Hitler there...oops...)

Stick post it notes re-labelling the doors of the "Principal" and "Assistant Principal" and the like, wherever you see the term "Principal" do not stand for it! RECLAIM OUR BRITISHNESS!!!


RE Posters - They Suck, Too

Some posters are just rubbish. But that's so much better than them being just plain wrong.

On the side of one RE hut - H2 - there's a series of posters telling you of famous people's religions. Sounds good, doesn't it? It might be, were they not fictional.

It begins on a good note: George Harrison was a Hindu and Orlando Bloom is a Buddhist. But then things start to go awry. Being a fan of Terry Pratchett and his Discworld novels, I was bemused when a poster said he was a Pagan. Surely not Pratchett, who mocks religion in his books? Turns out I was right. Pratchett is an atheist, says Wikipedia. Definitely not a pagan.

Is Charles Darwin an agnostic? Why yes he is. Well done, Temple Moor, have a cookie. But again, this success was short-lived. Sarah Michelle Gellar is, if you listen to Temple Moor, atheist. But she's not, says Wikipedia. She's not really agnostic - she just didn't belong to an organized religion, but thinks there is a God.

Yet again, Templar Truths doing what it says on the tin: revealing the truth. Where do these RE teachers get their information?

Geography Film Posters - They Suck

Geography is a subject that, often, gets quite boring. It can be slow, sluggish and a pain. Luckily, Temple Moor's geography department has decided to decorate many hut walls with all sorts of colourful things. Unluckily, the majority of this is badly spelt work by pupils, 'informative' posters posters.

Desperate to shed an image of being uncool and boring, there are many geography film posters which are supposed to liven things up and be trendy. But they're just painfully bad - except a few. In the beginning, they were alright and the puns were good. The Fast & The Furious: Longshore Drift was, I'll admit, a masterful fusion of geography terminology with a film. The Dukes Of Natural Hazzard and Curious Geography followed suit. But the brilliance was short-lived. GeogFellas was lame, for example. But soon, it started getting away from puns.

Shrek the Third was a poster that had, in WordArt, the words "Biodiversity in Ecosystems" slapped across it. While I do geography, I struggle to comprehend any meaning to this. The latest posters have been of a similar fashion. Ocean's 13 had "The Multiplier Effect" written on it and, perhaps the most brutal ever, Die Hard 4 had "6000 children die each day from drinking dirty water" emblazoned over Bruce Willis, which was when I knew that geography film posters were going to be rubbish forever.

Curse #1: Templar Truths presents....

In school, teachers and pupils and even the occasional Templar would need to produce a presentation using the Microsoft Office Application "PowerPoint". PowerPoint is relatively easy to use and offers an easier way to tell others pointless dabble.
However, now I am brought over to the title of this post, "Curse #1". Well that's because this post is about the very first curse in a series of curses that go on at Temple Moor High School Science Collage. This first curse being the curse of the faulty presentation.
The basics of this curse is, PowerPoint presentations don't work in the school. And here's a list of situations this curse causes.
  1. It wont load- As a pupil wanting a good mark, you have spent a good thirty minutes creating your presentation, you even sneaked in some special effects on slide 3 and 7. Only, when it comes to putting it on the teachers computer, the file with the presentation on, wont load. Too big perhaps? Something wrong with the memory storage device you're using? I don't think so.
  2. It wont slide- This effect normally only works on the interactive whiteboard. For whatever reason, the screen being out of sync or the "remote" is out of batteries. The presentation wont continue onto the next slide.
  3. Slide is going too fast- We've all seen this before, someone clicks the presentation to move, and it doesn't. So for good measure, they click it again, and again, and again. The pupils face finally lights up in glee as the presentation continues. As they turn back to the audience and continue reading, the fourteen other clicks you made catch up, and before you know the slide has ran to the end.

That is only a few of the problems you will find in the school to do with presentations. Coincidence? These happen a lot, so that is why it gets to be the first Curse in the Templar's Curses series.

SKiLZ Room

Starting tomorrow (19th of September), the School Clinic. Which will be in M6 (or the SKiLZ room as labeled).
The School Clinic will be for those that need help to quit smoking, drugs, have issues about sex, STI's, Suicidal thoughts and many other Physiological related issues.

This is infact a Trap.

The School does not like pupils smoking, so if you walk into the clinic and say, you have been smoking, these means that there is chance you will end up serving some sort of punishment.
Under aged Sex is also frowned upon, as having sex under the age of consent is chargeable (only in serious cases). So also by saying you have an STI or that you have are pregnant could end up getting someone in trouble, as well as making you a laughing stock.

However, plus points do come from this AIDs and Drugs Room.
Free Condom and Pregnancy tests for all.
Now that I have that out of the way I can talk about the other humorous things you can do in the clinic.
  1. Walk into the Clinic and say you have voices in your head. When they ask you what they say, reply with: "to breath and eat".
  2. Have a Physiology session with the school shrink. This might not sound fun, but it will get you out of lesson.

Ok, there was only 2 points, but as you imagine, having a school clinic is a good thing as not many schools have them. Yet this does show how much our school must need one more than other schools in the first place.

If you lowered the drinking, smoking, age of consent and driving laws, many laws wouldn't be broken as often.

Jobs: Competency and Intelligence not required.

Ah, my first time posting for your viewing pleasure. Not because I haven't had much to blog about, as there are always mistakes, cock-ups, and frankly unbelievable goings-on at Temple Moor, but because I was waiting for something more than a mis-labelled bin, astonishing new uses for the humble sticky note, or a Headteacher (I refuse to acknowledge the term "Principal") who is determined to assassinate us. This particular post may not be as comedic as some, but it's something that must be brought to light - after all, our intention is to tell you what the newsletters do not. And I'm relatively sure that the newsletters have never mentioned the fact that the office staff are incompetent morons.

First, let me take you back to the first day back of school - it was only a two-hour day, and all we had to do is collect our new planners (correct the mistakes in them as well, of course), find out our new timetable (And correct that too), and last but not least, note our bus and group numbers for Lightwater Valley. But, in a manner that I should have predicted, the school managed to screw it all up. Not for everyone, though. Just for me (well, me and a few others).

I was positively delighted to hear that the school had stupidly missed my name off the list. So, assuming it was a simple mistake, I headed off to the Isolation block to tell them their mistake, and find out my bus number. I sat there waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And finally, someone took the time out to speak to me (I swear they kept me sat there so long for a laugh.).

They were happy to check the system... oh wait, no, apparently I didn't pay my money. Which is utter bollocks. So they interrogate me over it in a way befitting Nazi Germany Gestapos, before wasting my parent's time by phoning them to confirm they too remember sending in the money. They did. Grudgingly (which was a laugh and a half - if anyone had a right to hold a grudge, it'd be me), they agreed to let me go on the trip. Unfortunately, it involved travelling on a bus full of Year 10s. (Another note on the matter, is that the 'system' - which I believe to be a network of Polish Immigrants writing information on sticky-notes - did not know a) what year group I was in, or b) What form I was in.)

Screw that, I thought, I'd be much happier staying at home. And so, after an hour-long arguement with the incompetent fools who had pocketted my money before denying it had ever been delivered, we were back to the starting point - me not going to Lightwater Valley. But this is Temple Moor, stuff like this is par for the course. But, now just a few weeks in at best, the school decided that it was about time to stage another cockery.

The list of full-attendees arrived... without my bloody name on it, despite the fact I haven't missed a day yet! So I go to the Office to point out their mistake (shades of pre-Lightwater Valley), and they can't understand how it happened. Their marvellous 'system' had me down as being a full-attender. And yet the list printed directly out of said system claimed I was not. Hilarious. What made matters worse is that other people (who's attendance was self-admittedly the same or lower than my own) happened to make this list. Why wasn't I on it? I didn't dare ask, I wouldn't want to give the trained monkeys that work in the offices such a tricky brain-teaser so early in the week.

How long before the school next try to toy with my mind? I'm not sure. But I'm sure I can combine all my collected stories of incomptence, idiocy, lies, and ignorance, and sell them on to the press for a reasonable price. But for now, at least, all your Templar Related mishaps are exclusive to our own blog.

Monday, 17 September 2007

No I In Team, No H In Titler

It was previously reported that a bin with the letters of "Litter" rearranged into "Titler" existed. Not only this, but a Post-It note with a big H on it was plastered over the first T, leaving the bin to be a trash Führer.

Sadly, it was spotted today that the Titler has been restored to its former state, and is now not the frankly mad dictator of Germany. It's either sad or a much better idea, depending on how you look at it.

If we can, there'll be pictures of the Titler coming soon.

Sunday, 16 September 2007

The Shameless Americanisation Of TMHS

At about this time last year, we learnt that the school staff would have new job titles. The headteacher would become known as the "principal" and this would go on throughout the ranks. The school newsletter (reviewed by Templar Truths here) said it was all part of a review to recognise what's necessary for a school in the 21st Century. You'd think the first step would be to make the school a wonderful place of learning, free from all problems, but no - they'll change job titles. That's really modern. Here's what the newsletter said:
As part of the review the governors decided it would be appropriate to follow the lead of many other schools in the UK and abroad (even in the Simpsons!) and move away from Headteacher to Principal, Deputy Headteacher to Deputy Principal and Assistant Headteacher to Assistant Principal
That's their justification for it all. While some schools might be calling their headteachers "principals", does that me we have to jump on the bandwagon? Because Temple Moor tried to kill off its pupils with chlorine gas, does that mean that other schools will? No. Why? Because it's a stupid idea.

And then the school admits it's pinching the idea from America. So we went along with a war in Iraq, but we don't have to copy everything the Americans do. The school had better not start calling petrol "gas" or looking in the dark with "flashlights" - Templar readers will be the first to know if they do, though. It's Americanisation and it's pointless. Why is it necessary? Oh's not. It's utter drivel and nonsense.

It gets worse, though. In another newsletter (warning, it's a PDF file), the school is asking for people to fill up the job vacancy of dinnerlady. But apparently it's not PC or American enough, so what the advert asks for is a "Lunchtime Supervisory Assistant". Really. Why the big words and fancy names? Is it to disguise the job of dinnerlady? It makes you think...

"But what can I do about it?" Well, I'm glad you asked, reader, because we at Templar Truths don't like all this talk of principals, so we ask you to do one thing: don't use the term. Call Mr Fleetwood "headteacher" and stage a mini-revolt. We might not beat them, but we'll never join them!

Friday, 14 September 2007

Post-It Use #84

This is a new thing we are introducing at Templar Truths: Uses for Post-It notes!
It will be randomly updated by me as and when I feel like it.
That said, on to uses!

#84: Reminding a certain teacher of how much they fail

If anyone looked at a certain science lab door today they would've been met by a nice Post-It bearing the words "EPIC FAIL!" on it. Just a little reminder for the inhabitant of said room.
I encourage all you Templars out there to do what you can to remind certain teachers of how much we don't like them (or how much we do). Go forth and spread the love!


In this entry of I will be discussing the blue wonder that is, as us Templars like to call it, the Titler bin. Yes, this blue waste disposal unit was placed in the school, by the school van, during the 2006-2007 school year. The reason for it's name is because the creator of the bin was witty enough to re-arrange the word "Litter" to spell "Titler". Laughs all around for the genius behind this creation. However due to the persons spelling of "Temple Moor High School" which is also wrote on the bin, the comic anagram could be nothing more than a mere typo.

Regardless, the bin has had an adventure from it's original spot to covering the top of a man hole. The tar around the hole had crumbled due to years of students lifting up the man hole cover, and one person nearly fell in, knowing what a catastrophe could have happened, the school thought action should be taken against this man hole, but so know one else would almost fall before the justice was given, the Titler bin was placed a-top the dastardly man hole, guarding it from wreaking havoc on some other unsuspected citizen. That was about 4 months ago and still the bin stands there, like an Egyptian obelisk.

Last seen, the Titler was sporting a new look, a sticky note with the letter "H" on, now masking the Titler's identity behind it's new alias "Hitler".

Thursday, 13 September 2007

Upper school awards evening

Now let me start by saying, we don't find faults in everything at school and exploit it, and some aspects of school can be ok.

Yesterday the Upper school awards evening took place, although pointless and overly long, the evening shows successes of pupils from all years (this being years 10-13 due to it being "Upper School").
Like all "national television award" type evenings hosted by The establishment, the evening had its pointless and good rewards, from the shitty Form award to the special head of year awards.
As well as other evenings, there was also the pointless musical interludes, however these interludes (although still pointless) were actually very good for a change. As well as that, they also sang and played familiar songs such as songs by the Scissor Sisters, opposed to the usual religious babble.

For those that went, might have had some enjoyment (at least the music kept my sanity) from Mr William's Return. However I do not feel it was worth going to over the England Match (we won 3-0 for those that don't know).

New Site Soon?

After our review of the school's official website, Templar Truths has some exciting news about the website.

An inside source has told Templar Truths that a new website may be arriving in about six months. The school's site will, apparently, move to a new host or something similar. This will mean the website may be redesigned and that's why the current website isn't at all updated. It's a plausible, and very likely true, explanation for why the website isn't updated. Ever.

Of course, if this doesn't happen, you can't see we were wrong, but you can blame our "inside source".

What features do you want to see on the new website? Add some comments!

Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Lest We Forget...

Today, as I'm sure no one needs reminding, is the sixth anniversary of 9/11 - the day when, basically put, the world changed because of nineteen terrorists (don't believe the conspiracy theorists). And on that day, 2974 people died because of heartless attacks.

To remember nearly three thousand lives that were taken in the most horrible way, it is customary to participate in a minute's thoughtful silence. However, Templars were not informed of any such activity that would happen - and indeed, none did.

While some classes took it upon themselves to grace the dead with their own minute's silence, no bells were sounded and thus no official silence occurred. Whether through administrative cock-up or whatever, is there any excuse to neglect the memory of those who died? Should Temple Moor be shamed? Surely the answer is yes.

First assembly of the year

With a new school year, teachers try to treat us students to a mildly entertaining assembly apposed to the usual drabble. However it is just as entertaining as trainspotting (forget Ewan Mcgregor and think Pete Waterman). But the first assembly always has some hidden moral behind it that will guide students through this year of the schools never ending cycle of mental torture. For year 11, the hidden message was Jane Tomlinson died, so work hard. Well that is how it looked to me.

Also the new school production, Little shop of horrors, is under way and casting is taking place as we speak. Unlike most things on this blog, we are backing this play as the production team is mainly students and not the fascist administration we are against. Unless the production ends up being crap, then expect the longest account on this blog to date.

Friday, 7 September 2007

Newsletter V Us

Our motto is: we say what the newsletters don't. But do we? Let's take a look at the "latest" school newsletter from the website and analyse what Templar Truths would say. School quotes in italics, headlines bold, Templar text normal.

Examination Success: "another very good year", "delighted with outcomes for the students", "kept our reputation" Students, again, worked damned hard under extreme pressure to get good results, which the school are delighted about because it makes them look good.

New Titles For Staff: "have many more support staff", "Learning Managers, Learning Mentors, Pastoral Officers", "move away from headteacher to Principal", "because these senior roles may not be carried out by teachers" Giving everyone a fancy job title to make them feel important, coupled with Americanization and the destruction of tradition.

Principal Appointment: "Mr Sherriff will be leaving", "interviews will take place in October", "results in a highly competent person" Old headteacher leaving (not Principal, OK?) and we don't know who's going to replace him.

The Houses Arrive: "re-introduced House system", "Rigel, Capella, Vega or Sirius", "top buttons...must be fastened", "no excuse" Outdated house system revived with science edge to prove school is worthy of "science college" status, and then a lot of talk about how uniform needs to be correct.

Year 7 Induction Week: "a range of team building activities", "number of competitions and prizes" Effort to make everyone get along and not become troublemakers. Nice kids get chocolates, too.

Parental Survey Results: "value the excellent partnership", "very pleased with the information", "78%...felt was very good", " had lived up to expectations", "school discipline and...bullying as top priorities" "We've got statistics that make us look good! It's like evidence! But parents don't think we're good at stopping bullies." is what they mean.

An Introduction From Our New Deputy Principal: "really excited", "really impressed", "we can really build on the excellent results" New guy doesn't know what he's let himself in for, poor man. Really.

Key Dates: "Review evening", "celebrations", "school concert" Days to remember when the school wants to say it's brilliant. And charge you a quid or seven.

Parents' Voice: "everyone is welcome to attend", "allowing parents to comment", "opportunity to ask questions" They don't listen to kids, but parents might get a say in things.

Vacancy For Parent Governor: "vacancy", "term of office...having expired" Last governor's time is up and they don't want to return. Do you?

Success Maker: "some parents and carers may be informed that their child is being placed on Success Maker", "used by students experiencing some difficulties", "proved very successful in the past" "We've got a system where anyone who isn't doing as well as we want them to gets extra classes, whether they like it or not." they say, with added stupid euphemisim

Problem Phoning Home: "experiencing difficulties", "home number does not accept calls where the number is withheld" Your phones are rubbish and the school want to tell you stuff! Oh, and isn't their pop culture reference cool? Yeah, the school can reference a thirty-year-old film - they definitely are "down wid da kids".

Open Evening Early Closure: "we will be closing early", " in full school uniform" Students rejoice at one less school hour, except those involved in open evening, and they must wear uniform or they'll be shot.

Holidays In Term Time: "young people...having their chances undermined", "can only authorise up to 10 days", "any periods over 10 days...recorded as 'parentally controlled truancy' " School wants everyone to stop going on holiday because they won't get good grades and that makes the school look bad.

Bright Light Warning: "member of staff reported...suffered damage to their eye", "bright light...from a very small key-ring 'LED' torch", "can cause serious damage", "don't let your child bring anything to school that they don't need for learning" Some idiot is damaging teachers' eyes, but never mind the threat to kids. Also, don't let kids bring in anything not for learning. Like packed lunches? Or uniform?

Catering Update: "new in-house catering", "adhering to new government nutritional guidelines" All the food is now healthy or tastes like cardboard. Or both.

Temple Moor High School - 50th Anniversary Celebrations: "a balloon race", "1950s style lessons", "memorabilia...on display" There will be a balloon race costing £1 per balloon which will be a shambles, the '50s style lessons won't involve the canes which they definitely should and there will be old relics to look at (but enough about the teachers...)

And Finally... "delighted with the positive start" No-one's been expelled yet, but it's only a matter of time.

Now, which is more informative and which hides behind praise and hyperbole? Which is a better read? Hmm...

School Website: A Review

"All the latest news and information as it happens" is what you'll get from the official Temple Moor website, according to the latest planners. Now, we know - from a previous post - that the school planner is hardly likely to contain the most reliable information. But does it in this case?

No. The planner is totally wrong.

The scrolling "latest news" headlines declares its latest news: the Ofsted report...from October 2006. In terms of news, it's as up-to-the-minute as the news that Princess Diana is dead (I'm looking at you, the Daily Express). In fact, click on "latest news" and you'll see that the Ofsted news is the only news on the website. Really.

The site's homepage has a few paragraphs summing up why the school has bought the domain name and set up the website. It's finished by the head...sorry...the principal writing his name. Amazingly, the words haven't changed a bit since the principal swap. Odd, that...

One of the website's more ingenious functions is providing copies of the newsletter - which, as you may know, never tells you any real news - and Tempo (a magazine which doesn't so much inform as back-pat). The last Tempo is from February, and I'm fairly sure there's been Tempos since then. As for newsletters, the "latest" one is from September 1st, last year. It's over a year old!

Everything else seems to be in order, and the site is fairly well designed. Not by pupils or staff, but by some unrelated company. The copyright, though, is for 2005 - hardly regular updating, eh?

How fast?

As everyone will know, the school is undergoing construction work. What some people wont know is, nine weeks ago a school in a town called "Toll Bar" was flooded and the school today isn't fit for education. However the pupils of that school now learn in a new school built over the nine weeks the other school has been drying off. Now what I don't understand is, it takes those builders to build a whole primary in nine weeks, yet all our builders have managed to accomplish is gas us all, knock down two parts of the school and then set up two huge metal frames with a ridiculously high crane in about nine months. Our builders must really be crap.

Thursday, 6 September 2007

Seating plans

New School year, same old lessons, even same old classrooms and teachers, but for some reason we always end up with seating plans. Despite previous attempts to seat people in the sitting equivalent of Wengjiagang, teachers still try to irate us with what they will no doubt call; "Seating plan v2.0". To heighten agitation even more, most people are sat in the same seats as the previous plan anyway and the previous 10 minutes were for nothing.

New tie colours

At the beginning of last year, the school ditched the old diagonally-striped ties in favour of four different ties: one for each of the houses. Silver/grey, yellow, red and purple were the chosen colours - and they botched even that because Sirius house's "house colour" is white not silver, nor grey. But it seems like the school have decided that the original colours weren't so good and have replaced them.

The Capella tie has gone from being bright yellow to a duller yellow or 'gold'. And while the appeal of gold may be strong at first, some Templars have taken a great dislike to it. One called it "mustard" and "green", probably not the look the school was aiming for. And while some pupils who have been moved into new forms will have to wear these new ties and stick out, all new Year 7 Templars in Capella will have to stick with these new ties. We think the colour is this colour.

We've also heard rumours that there are red ties which actually look pink and the purple ties have "turned some awful indigo kinda colour", according to one source. If you've got an opinion or more information on the new tie colours, add a comment. Anything else tie-related can be sent to the email address in the sidebar.

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

Lightwater Shithole

Before I get any bad comments. I know Lightwater Valley isn't a Shithole, its just a funny name.
I will be talking about some of the rides in this entry.

The Eagles Claw
What it's about: Basically, the lovely scientists down at LWV (Lightwater valley for short) decided to make a ride that pisses people off. It goes like this: You get it, sit down, then you get swung around in the air that much that you don't have a flying fuck what the Mary has just happened.
Pros: Good for scaring your best friend or making someone be sick.
Cons: Chance of being sick or scared.

The Ultimate
What it's about: A fighting game in the form of a Rollacoaster. As well as playing the Mortal Combat Theme Tune in the waiting area, The Ultimate knocks seven bells out of you on the way though. If it isn't the bumps or the sudden turns that hurt you, its the cock handled Safety devices and seats.
Pros: First half is fun and the last half is fast.
Cons: First half is slow and the last half can kill you.

The Decapitator
What it's about: While riding across a track thinner than Posh Spice, you go up and down and spin around in your cart.
Pros: The Fact people have died in it is very cool.
Cons: The Fact that you can die isn't very cool.
Notes: It isn't really called the Decapitator, but I think we all know why it is.

The Rat Ride (or Rat Race)
What it's about: Apart from having two names, the Rat Ride is an underground (well in a dark building anyway) ride, Identical to it's above ground sister; the Grizzly Bear, is a basic but fun ride in the dark. After entering through tunnels that resemble a Latvian Villa, you then get to get in you rat and ride around in the dark. For all you know, a 46 year old man, could be raping a 3 year old boy and you wouldn't even tell.
Pros: Fun ride and in the dark.
Cons: Chance of Minimum wage LWV Worker leaving some lights on somewhere.

The Wave (Aka, the Pirate Ship (even though its a Viking ship))
What it's about: A long sea trip, boat simulator to make you throw up after the 3rd ride.
Pros: You get to go high in the air.
Cons: Very very very very Anti Climactic.

The Falls of Terror
What it's about: A Pleasant Boat Ride.
Pros: You get Wet and Tube 3 is fun.
Cons: You get Wet and Tube 1 and 2 are shit.

The Caterpillar ride
What it's about: Go really really really fast in an awesome cart while shooting zombies.
Pros: Go Really Really fast in an awesome cart while shooting zombies.
Cons: I just Lied.

Go Carts
What it's about: Drive around a small track 5 times *gasp*
Pros: You get to live those dreams of driving fast cars.
Cons: No matter how much you impress those LWV staff, they still hate your guts and you won't become a Formula 1 race car driver.

There are more rides but I can't be bothered commenting.

Well I had a nice day of LWV, Hope you had a good one too (unless you didn't go).

Are we early? Yes! I mean, no!

As Bus 10 rolled into the Lightwater Valley, kids aboard thought "here we are". Yes, positive discipline's most positive aspect - a trip to the theme park if you get 50 or more credits and manage to keep yourself out of isolation - arrived for another year. Bus 10 was first on the scene at Lightwater, and arrived at about quarter past ten.

Upon arrival, the students on the bus were told that the bus had arrived early, and they'd have to wait another fifteen minutes sat in the coach. Yes it was hot, yes everyone wanted to go on The Ultimate as fast as they could...but the theme park wouldn't upon till 10:30. Sounds like your average blunder.

More coaches turned up, and the pupils from those coaches got off, tickets in hand, and went straight into Lightwater Valley. Apparently, it was open and the Bus 10 people had been sat on the coach for no good reason looking like idiots.

Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Thinking ahead

As well as the many problems the planners contain, from first glance at the pages, it seems the school has gone all out to fix any problems with the last planner. Here is a few of the mistakes they fixed with this one.
  1. The cover and colours pages: To stop the "loseage" of pages from the planner this year. The school have seemed to have replaced these pages with a stronger plastic similar to that found at the bottom of drill bits. In fact if you had a ravenous, ten tonne, Bengal tiger and let it loose on the planner, it would not break its cover. Even with a lack of thumbs, the tiger would have destroyed any previous puny planner covers.
  2. "Miss, I've forgotten my ruler!": So many times a teacher would be haunted by that phrase, but not anymore. As well as being used as bullet proof armour by the Royal Marines, the back cover of the planner is printed an 18 centimetre ruler to aid you where ever you go. Though we reckon some teachers will give you a comment then add, like an afterthought "oh, use the one on your planner".
  3. Forgetting planners: No more will pupils forget their planner. Thanks to new technology, the red strip on the front of the planner, which seems pointless at first, in fact contains a microchip that will constantly remind you that you need your planner.

That is just a few of the improvements the government wasted the tax payers money on to make your planners even more unbearable.

Planner Troubles

That essential bit of kit for a Temple Moor student (or Templar, as we like to call them on this blog) is the planner. Lose it and you have to buy a new one, for £5. So they're not especially cheap. But are they any good? There seem to be some mistakes, blunders and printing errors in the Key Stage 4 version. These are:
  1. "Inapprpriate" instead of "inappropriate" written on the Computer Access Policy page, rule 3.
  2. "Parents/Carers signature" lacking apostrophes.
  3. Left-hand-side pages for weeks beginning 15th October, 22nd October and 29th October have no subject names on them (in my planner, at least).
  4. "Learning styles" text blurred and nearly unreadable.
  5. "Sanctions For Misdemeanours Committed Around School" chart says the orange triangle is a "Pyramid" - it is not presented in a 3D way and is so a triangle, not a pyramid.
  6. "The Rewards System - Individual" states 400 credits earns one a "Titanium" award, when the green credits pages say it's a "Certificate Of Achievement Award" - which is it?
  7. Like point 4, the Periodic Table is hard to read. The one last year was of much better quality.
  8. "Where In The World" pages have country and city names that are blurred like points 4 and 7.
That's eight mistakes. Which, for a school, is really eight mistakes too many, don't you think?

Contribute: if you've spotted any mistakes in the planners, leave a comment.

Back To School

School resumed today, if only for little over two hours. And at Temple Moor High School, you're almost guaranteed that something will go wrong. And that's why this blog is here: to document those mistakes and blunders (possibly not even the school's fault, sometimes) that never get mentioned in newsletters, Tempo magazine or any other official Temple Moor documentation - including the seldom-updated website.